Moved to the city in a broke down car...

A story about heartbreak

…or more so a 10-year-old Acura.  It’s taken me 2 years to put this down in words. But now, I am ready to tell everyone my story. I know that what you see externally is a fearless; don’t-give-a-fuck about you kind of girl who’s made a seamless transition from small town to big city. What you don’t know is that it wasn’t easy. I tend to hide my struggles and show the highlights of my life. This coming year, I made it a goal to be more of an open book in hopes to inspire other people.

Chicago wasn’t really on my radar of places to live. I had my heart set on moving to the West Coast to foster my career in merchandising after being single for 3 years. But something happened when I met the man who I thought I was going to marry, someone who my friends trusted and my mother approved of. Long story short, I fell in love and when he asked me to move to Chicago, I didn’t hesitate. I spent countless months looking for jobs. It was rough and I settled for a job that wasn’t my top pick but I needed to get my butt to Chicago.

I thought I would be on cloud 9, now that I was with the man of my dreams. But I was lonely and hated my job. He would leave me alone most nights because he was ‘working’. I had only 2 friends in the city, one was married with child, and another one who was busy.   I lived in this amazing city but didn’t get to enjoy it. After living here for 5 months, I ended up Googling, “How to make friends in Chicago”. Yep! It’s sad, isn’t it? But Meetup.com soon changed my life. I joined these random groups and came across one called, “Co-Ed Shenanigans”. I met some girls and they became my foundation to help me deal with what was ahead of me…

I always felt something wasn’t right…soon after New Years 2015, I was hit with a wrecking ball. Some random girl started following me on Instagram, I was kidding when I asked my BF if he was cheating on me with her. I never expected him to answer, “Yes.” I felt my heart completely shatter into pieces on the kitchen floor as I collapsed.   How could this have happened? I was the perfect girlfriend, I gave up everything to move there to be with him. What is wrong with me? Those were the fucked up questions I asked myself. I honestly considered forgiving him. As a woman, you always blame yourself for the bullshit assholes put you through. We need to really stop doing this!

I was silent. I didn’t tell anyone about what he’d done because I knew if I told anyone they would think I was stupid for running back to him. I couldn’t eat, I wasn’t mentally okay, my hair was falling out, my body lacked sleep, my skin was breaking out, and whenever I looked at him I literally got sick to my stomach and vomited.   Things at work weren’t helping either, I was sure I was going to get fired because I was so removed from everything. My boss then told me he was leaving to work for another company and I was crushed! I was losing him too? I had to step up and takeover in his absence while dealing with my personal issues. Somehow I managed to stay afloat.

I couldn’t forgive my boyfriend, and I dug a little deeper and found out that he got the girl pregnant! He wasn’t even going to tell me! I confronted him and it was true… I also found out that he met her on Tinder. Classy, right? He apparently was cheating on me during almost our whole relationship. He tried to break it off when I moved to Chicago. Giving me a full 2 months of not cheating…what a sweetheart? I was completely livid, that he not only broke my trust, but also put my body in danger. He was having unprotected sex with her! What’s crazy is that he’s a neurosurgeon! How can you be so smart but so damn stupid and not use protection? I wasn’t on the pill; I thank God that I didn’t get pregnant by him… I continued to investigate more, because I needed to know for myself in order to keep me from going back to a piece of shit. I knew that he was still seeing her. He had no remorse, he was an addict and she was his drug. She was his escape from our relationship. He wasn’t man enough to face any issues we had, he couldn’t communicate.

I found out that she wasn’t the only one, he was still contacting his ex, and he was meeting up with other girls when he went to conferences. He had a running list of these girls and he rated us. He even had a category where he ranked by race color. I was considered a dark Asian. Wow…

The funny thing is, I found the mistress’ business card months prior to this and I looked her up and I thought to myself that he wouldn’t cheat on me with her.  I even asked him about her and he said she’s just a friend. I suggested we all go to dinner because I needed new friends! Irony at its finest.

I finally broke down and told my family and my new group of friends (friends that I only knew for a few weeks). They checked in on me and told me jokes and suggested so many vengeful things that I should do. Hurt turned into rage and he was at my mercy. I didn’t talk to him for weeks; I stayed in the guest room and planned my escape. He didn’t know what I was planning. In the meantime, I would torture him by banging the knife drawer at 4am, keeping the tv on the Lifetime Channel with ‘Snapped’ playing, and walked around in lingerie so he would regret losing all of this. He was so lucky I didn’t see the movie, “Gone Girl” until after I moved out…

There was so much I had to do while dealing with a broken heart, finding a new apartment, finding a new roommate, trying to survive work, and maintaining some ounce of sanity.

You don’t realize how strong you are until you have to be.

Never did it cross my mind to run back to Ohio.

My new friend Lisa offered to look at places with me, her lease wasn’t up for another 2-3 months but she didn’t mind paying double rent. She is an angel, I’m pretty sure that I wouldn’t be here without her. We found a place that week and signed the lease! I was determined to move out without ever saying goodbye.   The day I was supposed to move, a blizzard hit and I was stuck…with him. It was awful :(

The next week I moved out when he was at work. Left no traces of me and disappeared. He text and called saying he couldn’t believe I left. This fucker was delusional. He wouldn’t stop contacting me. I read an email from her to him and it was pathetic. She wrote about how she hated being the other woman, which she never got to meet his family and friends but that she forgave him and hopes that they can be together. What an idiot. I messaged her and told her to have some sort of respect for herself… that she wasn’t the only one. She wasn’t special.   That she shouldn’t fall for his trap. She blocked me. LOL

All in all, I found out about his cheating and I started a new chapter 4 weeks later. This doesn’t happen for many women, we tend to drag on heartbreaks to hold on to something that isn’t there. Makeups and breakups. I found myself planning out ways to get back at him, fuck up his life the way he did mine. I was losing myself because I was still thinking of him when I wanted revenge. I realized that I needed to move on, that I cannot heal if I was planning these awful things. I started healing when I stopped trying to understand. Stop trying to understand why someone can do this to me, why he couldn’t stop seeing her, why he couldn’t be the man of my dreams, how could someone tell me he loved me, how someone could kiss me every morning and night could do this?

Once I stopped trying to understand his demons, was when I started to heal.

This wasn’t meant for me to understand. He already took my past, I refuse to allow him to take my future. What was meant for me was Chicago…this city is what I was meant to fall in love with.